Man V.S. Arachnid: Legends in an All-Out Brawl

By: Emmett Bassen-Alexander

Spiders, like wrestlers, are some of the most feared creatures on this planet. They can punch, jump, bite, and inject deadly venom into anyone. Spiders and wrestlers both like to throw steel chairs at other members of the animal kingdoms. So why can’t they fight each other? Could Hulk Hogan beat the most dangerous spiders in the world? What about The Rock? Could any of these legendary fighters take down these equally legendary spiders?

Before we can start out here, we need to define who the best of each category is. With the wrestlers, “best” is mostly subjective, but spiders can be objectively ranked. According to Britannica, the most dangerous spider is the family of spiders known as Funnel Web Spiders. The most famous member of these spiders is the Sydney funnel-web spider. This is what we will be using as the most dangerous spider.

The best wrestler, on the other hand, is a more contentious topic. Since these wrestlers were performers, and all the matches were staged, there is no definitive “best” WWE wrestler. So for this highly sophisticated thought experiment, we will use Hulk Hogan as our premier wrestler. With all that said, the final question is: Could Hulk Hogan beat a Sydney funnel-web spider in single combat if they were both trained to the same standard?

Obviously, while Hulk has some massive advantages given his opposable thumbs and sheer knowledge compared to the spider, the spider has some advantages as well. Untreated funnel web spider venom without treatment will quickly prove fatal, and the spider’s agility could confuse Hulk. They seem to be equally matched. The thing that would probably define this arachno-humanoid deathmatch is the environment.

 If the spider were put in an area with cover and undergrowth they could hide from Hulk, and sneak up to deliver the deadly bite. On the other hand, if Hulk were in the ring he’d probably win from sheer confidence. So which environment would put them both at an equal disadvantage? The answer is a 20 x 20 foot room that is heated to 105 degrees Fahrenheit, painted all white with a floor composed of white rectangular prisms of uneven height. Also we’d give Hulk a shotgun. The flooring and heat benefit the spider, giving it tactical cover while tiring Hulk out faster. However, Hulk can see the spider on any surface it is on due to the white coloring, and the shotgun affords him a pretty good advantage if he has a clear shot. So how would this fight go down?

Hulk would start out cocky, but he would soon find that the spider’s ability to lie in wait is unparalleled. Eventually, out of rage, he would fire the shotgun a few times just to scare the spider. It would work, and the spider would learn at that moment that Hulk means business. This would cause Hulk to gain confidence, and he would start running around shooting to hopefully intimidate the spider out of hiding. However, he would forget about the uneven floor, and in a moment of shortsightedness he would fall over. This opening would be just what the spider needed, and he would jump onto Hulk and bite him, thus ending the fight. Hulk would succumb to his wounds, and the spider would be lauded as a champion. 

In the end, Hulk would lose. It would be a hard fight, but he would eventually make a mistake, and the spider would take advantage. Ultimately, Hulk would fall to the spider’s deadly venom, and that would be the end of it. And that is the answer to the eternal question of who would win: Hulk Hogan or a Sydney funnel-web spider. The answer, however sad it may be, is the spider.

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