Letters from the Candidates

Trump to Clinton- Sophia Aigner

Dear Crooked Hillary,

Well, America is finally mine. I’m the King, er, I mean the President of the United States. Now, I know you’re feeling completely defeated but, well, you should. You lost by a landslide. (So sad!) But don’t let that get you down. It’s hard to outdo a Trump. You know, all the polls predicted you would win, but they were wrong, wrong, wrong. I mean Hillary, let’s face it, no one wants a criminal in office. And since the American people obviously like me better than you, I think it would only be decent of me to tell you why my campaign was incredibly successful:

  1. Go orange, or go home.

My rhetoric wasn’t the only thing that won my supporters over. My great, great looks played a HUUUGE role in my stunning victory. The orange skin tone my makeup artist smears on my face is what really caused Florida to check my name off of the ballot. I guess they saw me as a mascot for their oranges. Maybe if you got rid of the pantsuit and instead sported a “Make America Great Again” hat, as well as a bright orange complexion, you might have won. Heck, if you looked as great as me, I probably would have voted for you too! Believe me.

  1. Lie. Repeat. Lie. Repeat.

I’ve come to realize that if you say something over and over again, the American people will believe it—especially white, uneducated men. Most of the democrats would say that my words are a bucket of lies, but I disagree. I have never told a lie in my life. I just creatively side-step the truth. I tell America what they want to hear, and if I’m being honest, the people love it when I put on a great show. This fabulous, fabulous technique of mine played a big part in swaying the supporters in my direction. Creating a false sense of hope is a great talent of mine. Did you honestly think I was serious when I said was going to build a wall and abolish ObamaCare? Just like my good friend Newt said, “it was a great campaign device.” Believe me.

  1. The Trump Squad

In order to be a winner, you have to be a part of a great, great team of people. I’m sure we can all agree that Tim Kaine and Anthony Weiner (losers!) are nothing compared to my BFF, Putin. Vladimir is like my other half. He completes me. I simply don’t know what I would have done without him (and WikiLeaks!). And this goes for all of my campaign staff. Without Kellyanne Conway, I would have no one to defend every idiotic thing I said at my rallies. And what about Rudy Giuliani? If he hadn’t been in cahoots with the FBI, I would surely be in ruins. Great teams really do equal great results. Believe me.

If you used all of my great, great campaigning techniques, I guarantee you would have won. But then again, maybe not. Like I said before, it’s hard to outdo a Trump. My stunning tangerine complexion, my tell-it-like-it-is rhetoric, my great brain, and my team members were the sole reason I was victorious in this election. Before I end this terrifically written letter, I would like to recognize your fighting spirit.

Despite all of your faults and differences you and I shared, I have to admit you were persistent like an annoying piece of viscous chewing gum that sticks to your shoe no matter how hard you try to get it off. And I really, really, really do admire that about you. Enjoy your time off while you can, because soon you’ll be behind bars wearing a Trump Prison uniform. Oh, and make sure to watch me on Inauguration Day, January 20th– I’m going to be great! Believe me.

Sincerely,

President-elect Donald J. Trump

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Clinton to Trump – By Ana Caliri

Dear Mr. Trump,

Congratulations on your win. Only white males will rejoice. Women and minorities are sobbing in their beds, wondering how the dirty talking, immigrant trashing orange man won the presidency. Make sure that your inauguration speech is your own, and not President Obama’s in either 2008 or 2012- that’s two more terms than you should ever serve. I have over thirty years of experience tending to the greater good of Americans, and you have a little more than a year of being on the campaign trail. You devoted your life to yourself, to your business, to bankrupting people and trash-talking. I have a life that was devoted to America and what is best for our country. You say that I am a criminal, but at least I came forward with my emails unlike you with your tax frauds. You say that you are such a rich businessman, how much money you are worth. Tell that to the bankrupt companies and the fake foundations that you suck all of the money out of!  How are you going to deport all immigrants if your wife is one? How are you going to build a wall if you say that America does not even have enough money to build good schools?  You have not thought this over, Trump, and I will be here to take over when you crash and fail (like all of your businesses) Although I congratulate you, it is not heartfelt. Now I will end this respectively and politely, with your begging for my help, and I, Hillary R. Clinton, stepping up and taking the role of the leader that America needs.

Sincerely,

Hillary Rodham Clinton

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